The Blue
by ghostlyandcoastly
Summary: canon until S7's Election Day eps Josh made a mistake. Donna leaves. Josh shows up at Donna's and finds two little secrets she's been hiding for over a year. Can they recover? In other words, Josh and Donna don't figure themselves out, Josh messes up, Donna finds out she's pregnant & runs, Josh shows up at her door 16 months later. / Read & Review & I'll Love You


**A/N I thought this was gonna be like a short first chapter thing that I'd never post but here I am with 11 pages of 2am baby angst; lmk if you want me to write part 2!**

Donna had fallen asleep on the couch. A knock had woken her up and she was trying to stretch out the kinks in her neck when whoever knocked the first time did so again. For a second, she thought there was only one person who knocked as insistently and impatiently as that. And then chuckled ironically. The idea was absurd. She hadn't seen him in over a year. Four hundred and sixty two- to be exact. Not that anyone was counting.

"One minute!" She called out at a volume that she wasn't sure the other person could hear. At any minute the temporary quiet of her home would be disturbed and she would not do anything to risk that. Though the person knocking loudly on the other side of the door did not share her concern apparently.

She found her pajama pants and contemplated trying to find a sweater but she could not bring herself to care whether her visitor saw her braless in a tank top. Even if it was a stranger. It's weird the perspective two tiny major life changes brings.

"Jesus, I'm coming. Hold your hor-." She says as she unlocks the door and throws it open.

"Joshua Lyman…" She whispers incredulously. He's grinning at her- a bit sheepishly and a bit cocky.

"Hey there Ado Annie." He says casually. Her shock turns to fire of nerves and anger pretty damn quick.

"Joshua Lyman…" She repeats. This time it sounds more like a warning.

"I- I know. I'm sorry. I should have called- well, I did try. You changed your number. And I couldn't find anyone who had it. And I resorted to the yellow pages but I think your home phone is disconnected or something. So I did try. But then I saw your address and it was only an hour away and Sam is forcing me on a vacation and I think he meant something more along the lines of on a beach but hey, Maryland can't be too bad. I think you'd be a great tour guide." He pauses waiting for her reaction but she's just standing there. She was speechless. She had led herself to believe that he never thought of her anymore. And everything he was saying along with the fact he was _here_ contradicted this. Plus now he was gently but determinedly pushing his way past her _into her home._ "Donna, I know you're mad. I know you probably hate me. I know I've waited too long to do this. But I want to try to… make it up to you. I know you're not going to trust me again but I would like to try to earn you back as a friend. The brief periods without you in my life- well, turns out there's not much of life in me without you. And this has been one of the longest of those times and I've tried to stay away because you asked me to and you deserve your space but I can't just sit back and have you cut out of my life without trying… something." When he's done with his little speech, he lets out a breath. He looks equally relieved- for getting it out- and anxious- for her response.

Her body feels very cold all of a sudden. Like everything is numb. She imagines this might be what death feels like. Any second now he'd take his eyes off of her and look around. And he'll _run_. She's terrified.

"Donnatella, please say something."

"SAY SOMETHING!? You want me to say something? Because I really don't think you'll like-" It's as if someone had flicked a switch. One moment she was bathed in ice- the next she was on fire. There was a small voice in her head that whispered _this is the most you've felt alive in a while._ She ignores that voice and continues her rant. "You bastard! How dare you! Why in the world would you think it's okay to barge in on my life? Just to _wreck_ it again!? JOSHUA LYMAN, YOU DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO BREAK MY-" And then the air is sucked out of the room. Because the sound of a crying baby echoes from down the hall.

Josh's jaw dropped.

"Is that- is that a baby?" He whispers.

"Um, I, um. It's my sister's! Babysitting." She lies. "Just, um, stay here. I'll be right back. Please. Stay here."

And he stays in place for all of two seconds before following her down the hallway. The crying has turned into wailing and all she wants is to fix it, to make it stop, to calm him down, to have some quiet again. She knows she should act fast unless she wants the crying to double. But she stops. She _needs_ Josh to stay out here. It's _imperative_ that he remains out here.

"Josh, I told you-"

"Donna, really, it's fine. I understand you… moved on. It's okay. I just, I need to see for it to be real okay? Then I'll leave you and your husband alone, okay?" He looks crestfallen but determined. Her heart aches. She knows the second she opens the door that whatever his depression about her being married with another man's baby will turn _real quick_ into anxiety and anger when he sees. They look too much like him.

She stares at him, knowing it'll be the last time she sees him without him looking at her with betrayal and fear in his eyes. Oh, great, the crying has doubled. Really. What kind of mother is she? She critiques herself- she didn't have time to be getting all needlessly emotional.

"Josh. I'm sorry." She whispers as she turns and opens the door.

Donna walks over to the nearest crib and picks up a little boy with thick curly brown hair and brown eyes. She plants him on her hip, snuggling her face into him for a second before going to the second crib. A little curly haired blond boy was also crying but quieter and sleepier. With a practiced grace, she picks him up too, snuggling him all the same. Her little brunette quiets easily, turning his interest to her hair that had fallen out of its usual ponytail. The blond was still crying, she bounced a little trying to calm him.

"Donna." Josh's voice was quiet, rough- like gravel. She could hear the hurt. And her heart was shattered once again. This time though she could not entirely blame it on him.

"I told you to stay outside." She couldn't turn to look at him.

"WHAT!?" Josh yelled. There was a moment of quiet as the babies registered the loud noise and then they were both wailing again. The blond had thrown his head onto Donna's shoulder and the brunette was squirming rather impressively. Donna sighed, kissing her rest for the next few hours goodbye. Which meant her whole routine would be messed up so her rest for the next few days was gone. Not to mention seeing Josh would no doubt leave her ability to sleep in shambles. She hears Josh breathing heavily, not able to tell whether he's hyperventilating or trying to calm himself down.

"Donna. I am _trying_ to keep some semblance of sanity right now but if I'm going to do that, I'm going to _need you to turn around, look at me and EXPLAIN what the fuck is going on."_ The curse word got her to turn around, eyes scornful. She wants to chastise him about his language around her babies but… she can't bring herself to do it.

"Give me- give me a second to put that back to sleep. Or at least, ya know, not be screaming." She turns back around, unable to look at his reddening face and accusatory eyes.

"I guess I-" He stops. She turns back to him, trying to get a read on him. He looks awkward now. She realizes what the problem is. He wants to _help_. But he can't- he doesn't know how and is probably too overwhelmed to offer.

"Go to the fridge- grab two bottles. Put some water in the large mug next to sink then put it into the microwave. Bring them to me." She gives him instructions gently. He turns to do it but he takes two steps before turning back around. She can't read his expression this time.

"What are their names?" He asks, sounding a little bit hollow and a little bit in love.

"This is Percy." She leans her head towards the blond baby on her left. "And Noah." She lifts Noah a bit. Josh nods and turns so she can't see the tears in his eyes but she sees them anyways.

As soon as she can hear him in the kitchen, she gets down to business. She doesn't think Josh walking in on a diaper change would endear him to stay. The thought stops her in her tracks. _Do I want him to stay?_ She mulls this over as she goes through the familiar motions, laying Noah on the playmat and Percy on the changing table. _I need him to stay_ Her mind answers a few minutes later. The thought chills her because she can't deny that it's true but she can't deny that it's a fever dream. He wasn't going to stay.

She can hear him banging around in the kitchen. Percy is still crying but Noah seemed to have distracted himself.

"Hey, I know your daddy's loud but he's gonna get your bottle." She coos soothingly to him. "I know you didn't wanna wake up yet but that's okay. You get to meet your dad. And your tummy is going get all filled up. And you'll feel a lot better Percy." Her soothing worked. She finished changing him and turned to switch babies when she saw Josh standing in the doorframe, looking awestruck.

"Oh- um, sorry…" She wasn't sure what she apologizing for. The moment broke and he nodded, closing himself off again.

"What do I do with?" He gestures to the two bottles in one hand and the mug with the warm water on the other.

"Put them on the table next to the rocker please." She whispers. "Okay, sit down." He looks up at her in confusion. "You're going to feed him." He sits down but opens his mouth to say no. "Josh, he's hungry. He's your son. And I need to change Noah. So you're going to sit down, I'll show you how to do it. It'll be fine. You might even love it." I try to smile but the effort is caught in my throat. Josh sits down quietly. I lean over to transfer Percy to him. He reaches out awkwardly. If everything wasn't so tense, it'd be funny. "Just relax." I adjust Percy in his arms and prop a pillow under one of Josh's arms. He scrunches up his eyebrows. "To help you support his head. He's good about it now that he's this age usually but if he's sleepy…" Josh nods. I place one of the bottles inside the mug. Josh does the eyebrow scrunch thing. "You'll have to give it a minute to warm up. Just rock him- I'll let you know when you can start." Josh nods and looks down at Percy whose eyes are still on me.

I can tell he's about to start crying. I know he's about to start crying. _Shit. That is going to freak Josh out. He'll think he's done something wrong._ "Josh, you have to relax a little more. He- he is a little shy. And he'll warm up to you if you calm down. Try talking to him."

Josh doesn't do this. Instead he looks up at me with panic and questions in his eyes.

"Hey, you're doing fine. Most people he would have already been crying with."

"Right… Because those people would be strangers, like, ya know, me. His father." I know it's only the first accusation but I can't address this with the babies in the room. I know Josh's temper. Not that he'd ever _ever_ hurt them- just make a lot of noise and such.

"Josh." I scold him even though I have no right to. "We will talk. We'll talk. And you can yell and scream at me until the sun goes down and comes back up. But right now, relax so your son will." I turn around because now I'm the one with tears in my eyes, turning away so he won't see. I pick up Noah and take him to the changing table. He starts babbling. And the innocent joy of it breaks my heart and heals it at the same time.

It doesn't take long for Noah's giggles and noises to turn into crying again. He hates getting changed. He moves around _a ton_ and he has on more than one occasion peed sans diaper. I'm praying that that won't happen with Josh standing behind me.

"Is he okay?" Josh asks, clearly nervous.

"He's fine. He just doesn't like getting changed, he wants to move around a lot on his own now. How's Percy doing?" I ask, still unable to look at Josh so I focus on my task.

"He's okay… I think." He responds. "Earlier you said… at his age, he can hold his head up?" He asks. "I, um, was wondering exactly how old…"

"Six months old tomorrow." I tell him feeling a little bit sad. I hear Josh release a breath. I think he's trying not to cry. I turn around to find Percy's little hand reaching up at Josh. I try to breathe but I feel like sobbing. They're so beautiful. And Josh is looking at him with such love and I can't help but wonder if I had made a wild inaccurate assumption when I made the choice to not tell Josh about them.

I put Noah's pants back on and pick him off the table. He stops crying and is now squirming to get put down. I lay him back on the playmat for tummy time. I grab my large notebook and sit down on the floor next to him.

"Writing in a diary again?" Josh tries to joke but it falls flat. He's more curious about everything than I'd expect as I look up at him, the question in his eyes wondering what I was doing.

"I record… everything. They were premies and they have you do that for longer with premies than usual newborns but really the past month or two I haven't needed to."

"What do you mean everything?"

"Feedings, diapers, developmental stuff."

"Wait, premies?"

"Uh." I know Josh well enough to know he'll probably panic about this. "Yeah. They were born early."

"How early…"

"They're fine now, okay. Nothing is wrong with them. In fact, Noah is ahead of the curve because he's going to crawl any second now."

"Donna, how early?" He snaps.

"A month and a half."

"... That's bad right?"

"They're perfectly healthy."

"Now?"

"Yeah."

"Not at first?" He asks, sounding worried and still ticked off about my evasion.

"Noah was okay other than the typical premie stuff."

"P-Percy?"

I look up at Josh with tears in my eyes. I hadn't thought about that first week in a long time. It was terrible.

"His lungs were underdeveloped because he was too tiny." I say softly.

"And he's okay now?" I nod emphatically, surprised at how Josh was not freaking out. I figured that it'd come later. He is looking down at Percy like he's never seen anything so perfect. I know the feeling.

Josh looks up but not at me but at Noah.

"Oh my god." My head whips over so fast I'm surprised it didn't fall off.

"Oh!" Noah had pushed himself up on his arms and legs. "He- he!" I am squealing. I throw the book to the side and turn towards him. I grab one of his favorite bears and put it just within his reach. "Come on, baby. You can do it. There- there you go!"

"Yes!" I hear Josh cheer and if I could bear to look away from my son's first crawling successful crawling attempt, I'm sure I'd see Josh looking proud.

"Oh good job, my sweet boy!" I squeal again. He reaches the bear but doesn't have the balance to reach for it and the crawling adventure has stopped but my heart is thumping. I love these moments. They've never felt _this_ good. I ignore the voice saying it's because of Josh.

I giggle and pick up Noah. I stand up with him in my arms.

"Oh my goodness! You're so big, baby!" I tell him, bouncing him around. He's smiling at me and babbling again. I snuggle him to my chest but he's too squirmy. I giggle again.

"Donna…" I turn back to Josh with a huge smile that fades as I look at him. He looks lost. "You're a really good mom." He lets me see the tears in his eyes this time. I don't know what to say so I just stand there for a minute. Then I see Percy starting to fidget as he puts his hand in his mouth.

I walk over to the bottle and check that it's the right temperature.

"Okay. So it's pretty simple. And Percy is the easier one to feed, trust me. The only thing to remember is to turn the bottle like this-" I'm struggling a bit to keep the bottle out of Noah's reach. Clearly he's hungry too. "So that the tip is filled mostly with milk so he doesn't start sucking on air." Josh looks scared when I say this. "But it's okay if he does! It just will make him need to burp more. It's not- don't worry, okay?"

"Yup." He says without an ounce of confidence. I hand him the bottle and guide his hand because I can tell he's really quite nervous. Percy latches on quickly and starts to suck. Josh is looking on amazed. I move my hand slowly.

I can tell Noah is pretty hungry because he's trying to inch himself to my breast but I'm not sure if I should wait for the other bottle to warm. I test it but it's definitely too cold right now. I sigh. Time to get even more awkward. Josh is going to be weird about this, I know it, but my baby needs to eat and Josh's comfort level is not at the top of my priorities at this moment.

I grab the nursing boppy from next to the rocking chair and sit on the floor. I debate facing away from Josh but that feels even weirder. I could get a blanket and cover up but… I'm in my own god damn home and I like watching the babies when they breastfeed. It's kind of magical. Only a mother can understand that not sounding insane.

"What's that?" Josh asks, referring to the boppy.

"Okay, Joshua. You're doing great. I need you to not… be you for a second when I tell you what I'm about to."

"Really, Donna, more bombshells to drop?" He quips, raising an eyebrow at me. Clearly he thinks nothing can shock him at this point.

"Well, not so much a bombshell. In about two seconds, you can either keep your eyes on Percy for the next ten to fifteen minutes or you're going to see my breasts." Predictably he's rolling his eyes until I get to the word _breasts_ where his eyes bug out. Seriously, it's not like the man hasn't seen them before. To be fair, they're a bit different from then and it's in a very different context.

"What!?" Josh squeaks.

"Breastfeeding. You may have heard of it." I quirk an eyebrow up at him as I sit Noah on my lap and pull down my tank top. I stop looking Josh in the eye at this point. Okay, looking down, I regret it a bit. I'm feeling self conscious now. I don't pause though. I situate the boppy around me and move Noah into position. He squirms a bit but latches pretty easily. Sometimes it's quite a task to get him to do so. Apparently he's behaving for his father.

"Ah!" I ignore Josh's second squeak when I pull down the tank top. "Oh." I ignore Josh's surprise as I move Noah into place. It takes me a few minutes to look back at him. He's staring.

"Joshua."

"They're bigger." My babies' father is a caveman.

"Hey!"

"What? It's a compliment." He finally looks at my face. He smiles a little bit and that does make me feel good a bit. "What, uh, happened to the, uh…"

JESUS THE MAN HAS NO TACT.

"My nipples, Joshua?" I glare at him. "Breastfeeding happened. Breastfeeding is hard and it hurts and it makes you look like this." I rant at him. I blame hormones and Josh.

"Does it hurt?" He asks, surprisingly gentle. I sigh.

"Yeah. Sometimes." I tell him.

"I'm sorry… Wait, why do you breastfeed Noah and not Percy?" He asks.

"Oh, I do. The bottles supplement. The, uh, supply isn't enough usually- especially at this point in the day." I feel very awkward talking to Josh about my milk supply. "Oh! Careful, Josh!" I exclaim. The bottle had slipped to the side and got all over Percy's face. I regret the urgency in my tone though. Josh looks quite guilty.

"Hey, it's fine. No big deal, just grab the cloth there. He's fine." I try to tell him soothingly but the look of panic is in his eyes again. "Okay, see. Everything's okay. He looks pretty happy there." I'm not just trying to be encouraging either. Percy is still watching Josh and looking pretty content. My heart feels like ten million pounds.

We both sit there for a good ten minutes- Josh watches Percy, glancing at me; I watch Josh, glancing at Noah. I'm grateful for the quiet. But my back is starting to hurt. I don't usually nurse on the floor with nothing to support my back. I'm looking at Noah thinking about this when Josh pipes up.

"Uh, Donna? The bottle's empty." Josh looks nervous again. I sigh.

"Okay, so he needs to burped but he's also probably hungry still…" I'm trying to decide where to go from here. I've never taught anyone how to deal with babies. I've never cared for the twins with anyone but people like my mother or my sister who already had kids. Guiding someone as anxious as Josh? Not the easiest thing to do.

"So what do I do?" Josh asks impatiently.

"Bring him to me." I predicted his look of panic. "Josh, he does not weigh that much. Just stand up. He'll be fine." Josh cradles Percy in his arms awkwardly but securely and stands tentatively. He takes the few steps to me. I move my arm from under Noah. I try not to wince as this causes him to pull my nipple down towards him. I reach for Percy and Josh slowly and gingerly passes him over. Josh sits next to me.

"Hey, there. What's up? Did you have a good time with your dad? Yeah?" I coo to Percy because I can see him starting fidget in the way that means he needs be burped or he'll start crying again.

"Josh in the top drawer over there, can you get me a burp cloth?"

Josh stands up and grabs one. He hands it to me. Everything I do for the next twenty minutes, he watches intently. Quietly. It's a bit unnerving. But surprisingly nice to have his help.

We relocate the babies to the living room. Josh questions leaving the room and it takes several assurances to convince him that the baby monitor and the baby gates and the extensive baby proofing I'd done meant we could go into the kitchen.

"Joshua, seriously, do you think I sit their all day and not move my eyes off them? I'd love to, trust me. But I'm a working single mother and I can't just-" I freeze because I can feel Josh's glare on my back. Oops. Probably should eased into the whole pissing each other off. Instead I'm pretty sure I just cannon balled into the deep end.

"Right, and I'm their deadbeat dad."

"Josh, of course not."

"I am though. Not _voluntarily_. But I am. You did that." He's staring at me hard. I lean against the counter, fascinated by my tile flooring.

"I know. But I was doing what I thought was best-"

"Seriously!?" He doesn't quite yell but his voice is certainly raised.

"Do you want answers or not?" I ask.

"That'd be nice, yeah." He says with a bit of venom.

"When you- when I-"

"Because answers would certainly be nice." He's continuing as if I didn't speak. "Considering right now it looks like you kept me away from by kids out of spite. And vindictive is not a good look on you, Donnatella." I look up at him finally. His words are searing and he's pacing.

"If you think I did this, solely because you slept with- with _her_ , you are out of your mind." I tell him.

"Solely? So you admit it was a factor!?" He stops pacing.

"If you want me to answer your questions, you can't yell at me."

"Really? Cause earlier you said-"

"I'm not saying you don't have a _right_ to. I'm just telling you if you want to know why, if you want to what happened, you have to speak to me like I'm someone you respect or care for or at least did at one point."

" _You_ are questioning _my_ feelings for you? That's rich."

"Why?" I ask, ticked off. " _I_ never cheated. _I_ never yelled at you for caring. _I_ never avoided you because I got tired of you."

"YOU THINK I WAS _TIRED_ OF YOU?" He's yelling again. I feel tears prick at my eyes. Dammit. Hormones. I turn my back to him and face the cabinets. I hear him take several deep breaths before recovering the ability to speak to me again. "That wasn't it. Okay? I'll try not to yell. Please stop crying."

"I'm not crying." My voice is very obviously choked up. He snorts. "It's the hormones!" I try to explain but the reasoning sounds weak even to me. I don't turn around but I'm feeling a little more in control of my tears. "Okay, ask."

"Why?"

I decide I can't say this and _not_ look at him. He's closer than I expected. He looks so vulnerable and I just want to curl into him.

"Josh, that day you told me about Amy?" He nods, looking far off in his head. "When I said we needed to talk, it wasn't because she had _told_ me. You pulled the floor out from under me. And I hadn't known there was floor left, frankly. I was coming to tell you that I was pregnant."

"And you thought that was reason enough to hide them from me?" He asks incredulously.

"No. It's just why I didn't tell you _that_ day. Josh, you said hurtful things-"

"I remember." He sounds pretty tortured over it.

"Me too. Vividly. But I wasn't going to give up on you. I mean, baby daddy and all. But that night that you, um…"

They both flash backed to a very different time.

 _Josh came home from a twenty seven hour stint in the transition offices, feeling like his skin was about to come off. And he found Donna. She'd ignored him for a few days after she told him. Then she asked to have lunch. He avoided her. Then she tried showing up in her office. He said mean things to make her go away. And for the past two weeks, she's avoided him just as he's avoided her. But here she was sitting on his couch. He felt annoyance flare up- even though it was an emotional cover for his own guilt._

" _Donna. Leave."_

" _No. You have to talk to me. I deserve that."_

" _IT WAS A CAMPAIGN FLING, DONNA. IT DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING." He expected the flash of hurt in her eyes but instead he saw steel determination. Which scared him._

" _So you said. And you know what? It wasn't. And you can try to cover for yourself but I'm not your other exes, Josh. I know you. And I know you're feeling guilty. And I know you're mulling this over and over in your brain. And you know what? I'm glad. You should. Because what you did! It sucked! You're a jackass! But we need to move past it. I'm not saying we're hopping into the whole gooey love thing. But you're my friend and… I need you for-"_

" _Donna, no."_

" _What?"_

 _He sighed, collapsing on the couch._

" _Whatever you need me for, I can't be. We're not the same people as before. But there are parts of me that are the same. This job, this is the most important thing to me. Nothing is going to change that. I can't put you first or second or third. And you shouldn't wait around. It's- it's sad, okay?"_

 _There's a long pause of silence._

" _Josh."_

 _He looks up at her. She's putting on her coat._

" _Yeah?"_

" _One day, you'll regret this. And I want you to remember that most things you think are your fault? Those things you hate yourself for? A lot of those things are not your fault. This is. You need to remember that. And if you ever get the crazy idea that maybe I'd want to see you again, remember that this? This is your fault. And you should stay away."_

" _We're going to have to work together, Donna."_

" _No, we're not. I'm leaving. Which is really remarkably stupid and really quite unfair." She laughs without any humor. She reaches the door before she turns around and walks back to him. "Josh?"_

" _Donnatella?" He's worried for a minute that his reverence betrays the front he's putting up. But for once, she doesn't see through him._

" _I said you were better than my old boyfriends once?" She leans down and kisses his cheek. "You aren't." She tells him. And she's out the door before the fire in his heart starts, before he can argue that point. Because really, he's pretty sure he's not as bad as several of the people she's dated. But it's how she feels. It's what she thinks of him now and she's right; it's his fault._

"I regretted everything the second you left." Donna snorts at his response.

"That's only because I compared you to Dr. Freeride." He closes his eyes as if he's in pain.

"No, it's not." Donna doesn't have anything to say to this. They both believe their version of the truth. And they're both quite stubborn about it.

"Josh, I didn't keep this from you as revenge for you being mean though."

"No?" He looks like he doesn't believe her.

"No… Josh, who do you think Percy is named after?" She asks.

"Uh, I'm not sure."

"Admiral Fitzwallace… And Noah, I'll gather you got that one pretty quickly."

"Uh, yeah. Thank you for that."

"Don't thank me, that's not why I'm bringing it up. I did not name Percy after my dad for a reason."

"I- I'm not following, Donna."

Donna takes a deep breath.

"So I know you know I moved to Madison- yes, I know you checked up on me. Repeatedly. And I started working with the state house but I only did that for, well, ya know, eight months. And around month seven, I was finally able to convince my mom to leave my dad and come move in with me."

"Okay…"

"Josh, my dad was not like your dad. I know you met him that one time but… Look, he's not terrible. He's just… neglectful. And he worked. A lot. And the little time we did see him, he was tired and irritable- and sometimes, mean. And it hurt me. And it hurt my siblings. And when you said that you had to put work first, second and third…" I trail off, feeling kind of weak in my position in hindsight.

"Oh." I wait for him to say something else but he doesn't.

"Josh, I'm sorry. I- I thought I was protecting them. And you. Because I know you're not my dad, I know you're a good person. And I thought you would have chewed yourself out with guilt. And I don't think you'd ever be mean to them but… I was really scared and hurt and confused. And I wanted the best for them."

"And I'm not that."

"I was wrong." I say quickly.

"What?"

"I think I was wrong. I've known it for… a little while. Once things calmed down. After I moved here, after I was able clear my head without my mom around. But by then, I didn't know how to tell you. Or if it was right of me to upend your life… I- um, was told you were dating Sarah Petrero. And apparently you seemed happy, and well at the time, I really wasn't happy and I felt like I might be making those decisions from the wrong place so I waited to tell you and then you- you showed up here."

"Sarah?" He looks confused. "Who would have told you about that? We weren't dating dating. It was very casual. Rebound sex technically. And whoever thought I was happy seriously, must be certifiable."

"Well I wouldn't say that to their face-" The words came out without my brain's permission to. Dammit.

"Who is it?"

"No one."

"Someone who knows us? Who knows my kids? I'd like to know, Donna."

"I don't think-"

"Dammit! Donna, I don't think now's the time to be hiding things from me."

"... Dr. Bartlet." I whisper.

"I'm sorry. I didn't quite get that. It sounded like you said the former first lady but surely…"

"Josh-"

"Oh my god! What!? How!? And how would she know about Sarah?"

"She saw you at the state dinner."

"And the rest of my questions?"

"I'm not sure you want those answers."

"You're killing me. Of course, I do."

"Okay. Things were looking very bad while I was in labor and I was scared and my mom couldn't get there and the doctors were freaking me out about the babies and I called Dr. Bartlet. I asked her a lot of questions and asked her not to ask a lot of questions and she was very nice about it. And then a few months ago, things got bad. Not with the babies. With me. I didn't know what was wrong and- I don't really want to talk about this. But I called her again and she said I was dealing with postpartum depression which is very common with difficult births apparently. And I didn't want to talk to anyone professionally so I ended up… unloading with her. And she was incredibly nice about it and she helped me a lot. And she convinced me to talk to Andy so I could move here like two months ago because seriously, I needed to get away from my mother. And yeah. Now you're up to speed.

"Donna-"

"I know there's a lot missing and you probably have a lot of questions but-"

"Donnatella, shut up."

"Excuse me."

"Donna, are you okay?

She felt her stomach drop and heart thump. _He loves me._

"Maybe." I admit halfheartedly.

"Well… I'm really glad Sam made me take this vacation."

"I… am too."

"Donna, I'm still hurt and I feel… a lot of things that I can't put into words at this moment. But I know that I'm going to be here for you. And I love those boys of ours. And I don't know if I'll be a good dad-"

"You will." I say with such conviction that it surprises even me.

"This is probably a terrible idea but… can I kiss you?"

I don't say yes. Because I don't know how to form words because Josh is looking at me like he really, really loves me and he's adorable and he loves my babies and I have always loved him. So I kiss him.

It's a really good kiss. One might say stellar.

But it's over in a few minutes as Percy starts crying.


End file.
